In fairy tales, a grandmother is often depicted as a warm, comforting figure who guides and supports the young hero or heroine—think of the wise and generous fairy godmother. But what if your children’s grandmother resembles the witch from Hansel and Gretel instead?
You might be dealing with a difficult or narcissistic grandmother who could be a harmful presence in both your life and your children’s lives.
This article covers:
- How to recognize signs of a narcissistic grandmother,
- Specific ways she might negatively impact your children,
- Strategies to manage her behavior effectively.
Signs of a Narcissistic Grandmother
Not all narcissists display the same behaviors. There’s a range in how these traits appear and their intensity.
If you suspect that your children’s grandmother may be a narcissist, some common signs to look for include:
- A controlling and manipulative nature,
- Skill at creating drama or changing narratives,
- A tendency to avoid taking responsibility for any wrongdoing,
- Episodes of anger or “narcissistic rage,”
- Issues with substance abuse or other dependencies,
- Playing the victim to gain sympathy or support,
- Refusal to respect boundaries,
- Subtle or disguised insults,
- Repeated instances of giving the silent treatment,
- Always prioritizing her needs above everyone else’s.
These behaviors may not seem damaging to children at first. It can look like adults simply having a conflict. But even if the effects aren’t immediately obvious, that doesn’t mean it’s safe.
Let’s take a closer look at some specific ways that a narcissistic (or any Cluster B personality) grandmother can harm your kids.
Angry Outbursts
When grandchildren are very young, a narcissistic grandmother may seem like the perfect doting grandma—attentive, generous, and caring. But as they grow up and start asserting their independence, her behavior can turn punitive and distant.
Whether subtly through passive-aggression or overtly through outbursts, a narcissistic grandmother’s anger may flare up when children don’t meet her expectations or challenge her authority. Because narcissists rarely show their true nature in public, these episodes often happen behind closed doors, protecting her “perfect grandma” image.
Impact: Research shows that kids exposed to frequent anger are more likely to develop aggression or depression. “Anger has a way of undermining a child’s ability to adapt to the world,” says psychologist Dr. Matthew McKay.
Using Grandchildren as Narcissistic Supply
Children are innocent and trusting, making them easy targets for narcissistic supply—a narcissist’s need for constant admiration and validation. Narcissistic grandmothers may revel in their grandchildren’s admiration, but this attachment is superficial. When the grandchildren start expressing their own personalities, her interest can turn cold.
Impact: Eventually, children catch on that they’re valued more as props than as people, damaging their self-worth and making them feel unappreciated.
Playing Favorites
Narcissistic grandmothers might single out a “favorite” grandchild, projecting her self-centered ambitions onto this child while neglecting or disparaging others.
Impact: This behavior can cause resentment among siblings or cousins, hurt the self-esteem of less-favored children, and place undue pressure on the “golden child” to meet her high expectations.
Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse may be overt (yelling, name-calling) or subtle (backhanded comments, sly criticisms). Narcissists often enjoy tearing others down, and grandchildren are not immune.
Impact: Consistent verbal abuse erodes a child’s self-confidence, leading to long-term emotional harm.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse may occur, especially during outbursts of “narcissistic rage,” though some narcissists favor more covert forms of harm.
Impact: Physical punishment is widely documented to be ineffective and emotionally damaging to children.
Mistreating Others in Front of Children
Narcissists often disrespect others, sometimes treating people as inferior or being envious of those perceived as “better.”
Impact: Children often mimic adult behavior, learning from these interactions that disrespect or disregard for others is acceptable.
Lying and Manipulation
To a narcissistic grandmother, grandchildren may be seen as extensions of herself rather than separate individuals. She may use various manipulative tactics to mold them into obedient followers.
Impact: This type of influence teaches children to bury their feelings and derive their self-worth from pleasing others, stifling their individuality.
Disappearing Acts
When angry with you or your partner, a narcissistic grandmother may “punish” the family by cutting off contact, including with her grandchildren.
Impact: If children have grown attached to their grandmother, sudden absences can be confusing and painful, leading them to question their own worth.
Demanding Admiration and Obedience
Seeing herself as the authority, a narcissistic grandmother expects everyone to obey her without question. Her love may be conditional on compliance, while any sign of defiance results in rejection.
Impact: Children raised in this environment may develop low self-esteem and feel pressured to conform, struggling to assert themselves.
Neglect
Some narcissistic grandmothers show little interest in their grandchildren, remaining distant or detached.
Impact: This can communicate to children that they are not important or worthy of attention, leaving them to internalize feelings of inadequacy.
How to Deal with a Narcissistic Grandmother
Growing up with a narcissistic mother may have left you feeling invisible, unimportant, and overshadowed. Now, as a parent, seeing her around your children can stir up these old wounds. You may be wondering if your mother’s behavior could harm your children as it did you, and if cutting contact is necessary.
Consider these options:
- Set boundaries to limit her influence.
- Allow supervised visits only.
- Explore family therapy if she’s open to it.
- Consult a family law attorney.
- In severe cases, consider ending contact.
Whatever you decide, remember: a narcissist thrives in chaos. Protect your children by setting firm boundaries to shield them from this instability.
